"Love Really Don’t Love Me"

"Lust is what makes an individual desire intimacy even when they have no desire to really be with the other person. Love is what makes you keep wanting to be with the other person even when there is no desire for intimacy." Judith Viorst (paraphrased)

In a New York Times article, the author writes, "Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old."

Is this what love is? Do the young fall in lust, and call it love? In our middle age years, do we call a feeling of comfort and familiarity, love? Is love in our golden years just a feeling of mutual need for emotional and physical support?

In our society, we talk, write, and sing so much about love, but it remains a mystery. Plato, the Greek philosopher, wrote, "Love is a grave mental disease." Renowned psychiatrist Karl Menninger, however, wrote "Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it." This interesting theory leads me to ponder, "Is love both the illness and the cure?"

"To love someone and not have that love returned is extremely painful." To desperately need and not be needed can be, for some, emotionally devastating. According to one author, "Loving a woman or man who doesn’t love you in return is like bouncing a basketball with no air in it." Regardless of the energy you exert to get the ball to bounce, it just lies there motionless.

Many couples’ response to their greatest fear in a relationship is unequivocally the fear of rejection. In addition to being depressed, rejection leads to a devaluing of one’s own self worth, and a variety of emotional and physical symptoms. "The physical symptoms exhibited may be the result of unreturned love or the erroneous belief that one has no value unless they are loved by someone else."

There have been many interesting perspectives on the various ways people feel, but indiscriminately call love. Many authors argue that there is no one kind of love, nor single constellation of feelings. According to John Ballew, "It happens to most of us at least once in life: we feel ourselves falling in love, but the feeling and falling isn’t mutual. Our feelings grow deeper, but he or she doesn’t return them in the way we hoped they would. It’s as if we don’t exist at all to them. It’s a small wonder that unreturned love is a great tragic theme in romantic stories. When love is completely one-sided, big-time hurt is inevitable if either party tries to pursue a relationship with the other party."

To keep from holding on to unrealistic hope, clear communication is a must. I don’t advocate being cruel, but we must keep things in perspective. Be honest with each other. Tell the person that you don’t share in their feelings about love. Allow them time to adjust to the feeling of not being "the one."

Because one individual rejects you doesn’t mean every other man or woman will reject you also. Allow me to quote an authority on relationships. "If you have invested yourself in someone who isn’t going to respond in a positive manner, do what smart investors do when faced with a losing proposition: cut your losses." End the relationship as quickly as possible. Keep busy, and don’t dwell on negative or unproductive thoughts, spend time with family, friends and pray to a loving God for an answer.

By Travestine J. Wright