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The Lies We Believe About Marriage

Boy meets girl. He is handsome and attentive. She is beautiful and smart. They are both Christians and attend a bible teaching church. In every aspect, they are an ideal couple. They become engaged, get married and are expected to live happily ever after.

But something went wrong. After the marriage, handsome boy loses his attentiveness and thoughtfulness, and spends a good bit of time watching football games instead of shopping for flowers. Before the wedding, beautiful girl was smart. But now she is a know it all, and impossible to please. And even though they both love Jesus Christ, as reality sets in, they stat to wonder if they made a mistake.

What went wrong? Actually, nothing went wrong; except many couples start their lives together believing a lot of lies about marriage. These lies cause disharmony and misery, and make married life confusing and stressful.

For some reason couples believe that marriage should be easy. They think that arguments, differences and stresses are a sure sign that they are not right for each other. The truth is that marriage is hard work, and if any couple is to succeed in building a life together, it will takes a lifetime of sacrifice, sweat and tears. I believe that hard work is an indication of a marriage’s ability to succeed, not fail. But the more we entertain the lie that says hard work means that we are not right for each other, then we think that the "right person" is out there somewhere. And that only discourages our willingness to work harder to make our marriage work.

Listen, the only perfect marriage was between Adam and Eve before the fall. This couple was created and joined together by God. They were definitely meant for each other. Their home was a garden paradise where food was plentiful, and keeping up with the Jones was not an issue.

So what did they have to argue about? Plenty. How about Adam’s working hours, or what’s for dinner, or keeping the garden clean? What about talking to snakes and obeying God? A couple can argue about not having anything to argue about? The point is that even in paradise, marriage takes hard work to stay together.

Marriage is the time when we grow spiritually. Too often we blame each other, when in fact, we need to look at ourselves. The struggles of marriage show up the problems in our own personality, and give us the opportunity to straighten up. As we yield to the Spirit of God, we will produce spiritual fruit and enjoy a life of maturity and worth.

In my own marriage, I am learning the value of speaking the "truth in love". This opportunity has come to me because of the many times I’ve spoken at the wrong time with the wrong attitude. Even though I had a reason to be upset, I could not blame my wife or kids for the bad attitude I had. They didn’t give me my attitude; I owned it. Therefore, the conflict in marriage revealed an inward problem that I needed to deal with. It was a problem I took with me everywhere I went, and the only one who could solve it was me.

When problems occur in marriage, we tend to place the blame on our partner and demand them to change. That’s another combination of marital lies that add to our marital unhappiness. Anytime we blame someone else for our problem, we are hindered from looking at ourselves. Therefore, the real issue goes unrecognized and ignored. It is so simple and easy to say, "It’s your fault, and you are to blame". The implication is that since you make me act this way, you are the reason why this marriage is not working.

In very marriage, there are personal changes that we all need to make. If we refuse or fail to make these adjustments, we are to blame for the results. We should always be mindful to do and say the things that will build up our partner. And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works Hebrews 10:24. We cannot change how our partner acts, but we can choose how we respond to these actions. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men Romans 12:18.

I have heard some individuals say, "I’ve been this way all my life. If you love me, you’ll accept me the way I am." This is a pitiful excuse used to justify a person’s unwillingness to change. This implies that in a good marriage, partners shouldn’t have to change who they are. This is a marital lie, and if someone doesn’t accept the truth, couples will be doomed to spend a lifetime in a dismal marriage with the "unchanged version".

It is crazy for me to think that I don’t need to change for my wife. Lindia (my wife) has always had a tremendous capacity for emotional closeness and intimacy. As for me, a simple hug and a "high five" is enough for me. But if I want to fit her better, I needed an overhaul. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife 1 Corinthians 7: 3-4.

I remember times when I had worked all day. All I wanted to do was come home, take a shower and relax. The only thing my wife wanted to do was hold my hand; get a little eye-to-eye contact and a smile. But I didn’t want to hold her hand; I just wanted to be by myself.

It would appear that Lindia should have understood and given in (she often does). But the real issue was my unwillingness to deal with my emotional handicap that the needs of my wife revealed. In order to be a more complete person, I needed to deal with my fear of intimacy, and respond to my wife’s need for emotional intimacy.

The bible calls us "one flesh". Becoming "one" is impossible if couples refuse to change. I am in agreement with being your own person, but I disagree with believing lies that destroy marital harmony. Since Lindia was stronger in the area of intimacy than I was, it just made good sense to move in her direction. This would make winners (not whiners) out of both of us.

Things will always happen in marriage to disappoint us. But that doesn’t have to wreck our lives. We can see ourselves respectful and calm instead of jumping up and down having a fit. Above all, seek the Spirit of God and meditate on His Word. As we grow in Christ and yield to His Spirit, fruits of righteousness will manifest in our lives. Only then will we discover what it means to really live.