Talking To Yourself – Part 3
But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire Matthew 5:22. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26. Many of the prayer requests that we receive come from married couples. Marriage problems make no distinction between Christian or non-Christian; I would venture to say that we are contacted more frequently by Christians asking us to agree with them for a supernatural intervention in their marriage. Many times the complaint is that he/she isn’t doing what they ought to do. When couples marry, they have certain expectations of each other. Wives expect husbands to be kind, thoughtful, considerate and romantic. Husbands expect wives to be bright, conscientious, understanding, and to look like Tyra Banks and cook like Aunt Jemima. But having an expectation is not the same as having a guarantee from God. People may not act the way we expect them to act; they may not even act the way they "ought to act". We cannot allow how people act to create misery in our life. I believe that we have misbeliefs about our marriage (or other relationships) that are the source of much of the misery we experience. We believe that a perfect marriage is one that is free of trouble. But that’s not true. It’s unrealistic. It’s a misbelief. According to statistics, one-half of American marriages will end in divorce. I believe that the other half is troubled. But just because a marriage has trouble doesn’t mean it’s a bad marriage. Wives need to stop talking about how terrible their husbands are. God gave you your husband, and while you may prefer for him to act differently, you can live with him without demanding that he change. Stop telling yourself that you are wasting your life away. Spend that time believing God to work on your companion, and to make him what He wants him to be. Ask God to work in your heart also, and to make you what He wants you to be. We also receive many prayer request for family problems. There are many family members that have been mad with each other for years. They live in the same house, and they are miserable. Sometimes the actions of our relatives are unpleasant, but we are the ones who make them terrible because we put them in a position of control in our lives. We feel that we can’t be happy unless they act like they "ought to act". Listen friend. Don’t make the behavior of your companion or relatives the sole source of your happiness. Don’t give anyone that much power and control over you. Find other activities that you find rewarding. Let go of the anger, disappointment, guilt and frustration. My wife is a very outgoing person. She loves to go out on dates with me. If it were up to her, she would probably go out everyday. But she doesn’t sit around and wait on me. Many times I get tied up at work or doing something for the ministry. Even when I’m home, I am busy on the computer or watching sports when I "ought" to be out with her. Lindia doesn’t let any of that cause her frustration. She goes to the gym, or shopping, or planning activities with friends, or reading, or listening to music, or countless other things. I have a goal of at least twice a week, going out on a date with her. But she doesn’t allow what I fail to do to cause misery in her life. It may be difficult for you at first, but after a while, you’ll get used to it. You will be much less stressed, and you will start to see better qualities in your companion. Whether you realize it or not, your companion feels your disapproval of them. Therefore, they are always on the defense. We can perpetuate a lot of bitterness by our misbelief. If another person doesn’t do what I expect them to do, I don’t have to get mad at them. If another person never changes into what I want them to, I don’t have to stay mad at them. Because they don’t change, we shouldn’t feel unfairly or unjustly treated. The truth is we make ourselves angry because we talk to ourselves. "I work all day and come home and she still doesn’t have dinner ready." "It’s disgusting the way I slave around this house, and all he does is watch television." Why do we blame somebody else for making us upset when we are the only one who can make ourselves angry? I tell myself that something the other person is doing or saying is terrible. The truth is that when things don’t go the way that I think they should, it’s unpleasant to me. But just because something is unpleasant doesn’t mean that my life has be awful. I’ve made myself angry and miserable when I really have no cause for it. Listen. People do things that we may not like. People may not treat us as well as we treat them. But don’t take offense. It would be so nice if everybody were loving, thoughtful, kind and fair. But men are selfish and sinful, so much so that Jesus shortened the days (see Mark 13:20). Jesus said in Matthew 5:48, "Be ye therefore perfect even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect". He did not say try and make everyone around us perfect. We need to be perfect in our behavior first before we try and improve someone else’s behavior. The better we know a person, the more aware we are of their shortcomings. If all we talk about are the negatives, then we will have plenty to criticize and be unhappy about. There are things about me that my wife and family may like to change; things about them that I may like to change. But we love and accept each other as unique individuals. I want to encourage you to think honestly about the anger and misery that you may be experiencing in your marriage and family. Perhaps you have been unrealistic in your expectations, and you really don’t have a cause for your anger. Do yourself a favor and let it go. Rebuild your relationships on love, respect and truth, and discover the beauty that God intends you to have. By: Edmund Brown |